india · life · Travel

Not helping…

I can be one stubborn person sometimes. 

I have trouble accepting help. 

I have difficulty vocalizing what I need.

And I feel this the most when I’m sick. I hate asking for help, letting someone take care of me, showing that I’m weak and dependent on someone. But I’ve learned that this is essential to myself and my health. It’s still a learning process. I’m learning, always learning, always learning more.

So this story starrs with a small small thing…

Ever have trouble from scratching at new itches or bites? That’s literally one of the biggest yet smallest problem I have while travelling. Since I been visiting countries with temperature 30 degrees and higher, the bugs have naturally found their way to me. It’s like my legs and ankles are flashing neon signs inviting all critters for a little nibble. 

I got it the worst in Cambodia with sand bites… i thought! Until I was back in India again and had horrible reactions to insect bites. My bites were few but the reaction I had after I scratched​ them were crazy. Of course, I knew the number one rule, NOT to scratch them, but I did! My bites turned from little ones, to red ones, to squishy ones with pus and very unsightly wounds that we’re not getting better. I won’t describe them anymore but I realize there was an issue when they didn’t heal after a week. 

I thought using over the counter products​ would help but it didn’t. After several days of minimal improvement, my mood completed changed. I was fighting and hating myself. I never dealt well when anyone in my close circle or myself get any type of negative medical news, small or big. It was an internal battle of how long do I wait until I seek medical attention. It was also frustrating, my body was not working with me. I couldn’t stand long, could not go in the water, could not go on treks, I was constraint to minimal physical activity. I didn’t understand why this was happening.

The thought of seeking a medical attention left a nasty taste in my mouth. My worst nightmare was to end up sick or worse, in a hospital in India. So I had to do what I absolutely hated​… Go to the doctor or in this case, the hospital.

Walking into St. Anthony’s hospital was a horrible feeling, dreadful. From my past experiences, I associate hospitals with unpleasant moments in my life. This one especially was utterly depressing and looked abandoned. I had my consultation with the doctor who told me that I needed to be on antibiotics. There was organism growing on my skin which explained the pus. If the antibiotics do not help by the second day, I needed to come back to get a blood test. It was just a simple understanding that further investigation was needed but it scared the shit out of me. Blood test? But, why? I needed to calm down and settle my anxiety. 

I froze. Did I catch something? Is it serious? I needed to breath. Breath slowly and controlled. This has been my number one method to calm down while travel for all kind of situations! The breath is amazing. Control your breath and you can control a lot more (believe!)

After the doctor, I followed the nurse down the hall so she can show me how to properly dress each of my bites. She dressed my bites, all 9 of them. I needed proper dressing done twice a day. It got better after my second day. I learned how important health and my mobility was to me. I hated the idea of being handicapped, dependent. I had to take special attention during showers to keep each dressing dry. Not to get most parts of my legs, toes, knees and arms wet. It was insanity. It was time consuming. It was inconvenient. It was teaching me to be patient with myself, with time, to do things with care and remember to love this body that is given to you. To be patient with your body. It’s a vehicle for us to live, to communicate, to express, to do things, to love. It’s temporary.

The biggest thing I’ve learn is to look forward. Forward to the road of recovery. I wondered so many times what is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? Why am I not healing? Wasting time thinking about the past, on negative thoughts, on the what if’s was the absolute worse way of approaching the situation. I needed to work towards a solution and understanding. I learned to not shut down and turn inwards. I’m learning to ask for help, to keep myself responsible and conscious of what is happening. To not hate myself for the state im in but learn to be more appreciate of the progress. Being sick doesn’t mean the end of the world. It’s just a little speed bump. 

Whenever you feel down about something happening in your life, don’t be scared to seek assistance. It’ll help. Even if you don’t want to. Learn to look beyond the current situation and it’s downfalls. 

Live, Learn, Love soulfully!

Angela in wonderland // Follow me on IG @jelloooh #jellooohexploration

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